James Franco Facts

James Franco, star of Milk, Pineapple Express, and the Spider-Man movies, is coming to Yale for a Ph.D. in English after getting his M.F.A. at Columbia. Here are some facts about Franco:

Byron, Shelley, and Keats are descending from heaven to publish new poems for James Franco to include in his dissertation.

James Franco's dissertation reveals who Shakespeare's sonnets' Rival Poet was: JAMES FRANCO.

James Franco's diss. doesn't have rough drafts. It just has the parts forthcoming from Verso, Routledge, & @UChicagoPress.

James Franco cites in neither Chicago nor MLA style. Actually, he does not cite at all—he stands on no giant's shoulders.

James Franco won't have a tenure hearing. He'll have a tenure concert, open to the public, proceeds to other Ph.D. students.

James Franco won't get a named Chair in English Literature. He'll get a named Living Room Set.

James Franco doesn't hire research assistants. 1. He doesn't need help. 2. He doesn't search; he has already found.

James Franco is allowed to drink in Special Collections. His reflexes guarantee no coffee spills on rare books.

James Franco never pays for photocopies at the library. Why kill trees while neglecting a photographic memory?

James Franco's dissertation is not a "contribution to the field." It *is* the field.

James Franco doesn't take notes in class. Sure, his memory is great, but, more, it's that the lecturers are quoting him.

JSTOR granted James Franco full PDF access for life.

James Franco won the culture war.

Debates about the canon are solved by looking at James Franco's iBooks library.

James Franco begged & pleaded w/ Hegel for months & finally succeeded. "Thesis, Antithesis, Franco" was scrapped.

James Franco asks all the questions at his job talks.

James Franco writes marginalia in library books in pen. Librarians and scholars thank him.

James Franco doesn't know the rules about Fair Use. Congress exempted him from copyright infringement in 1982.

SUNY Albany cut French in order to endow the James Franco Chair in James Franco Studies.

From The Chronicle.